This is a long post. I share it with the permission and support of Rosa Armendariz who reached out to me first. I am grateful to Rosa for so many things. It is my hope that sharing our exchange might prove helpful to other people who might be struggling with the reality of how racism persists. Like Rosa, we must all be brave so that deeper understanding might lead us toward healing and justice. Our exchange is posted below with no editing and permission given by others named.
Hi Laura,
I’m sending you this because I’ve read a few posts in which Broadway actors have detailed instances when they were victims of covert racism. I know you’re a good person and your heart is always in the right place. Because of that, I feel I can approach you with absolute honesty.
I recall an instance when I was working on a monologue and the direction you gave me was, “Do it like if you were at a barbecue with your family,” so I did it again and spoke as myself, and you then said, “Do it how your cousin would do it,” and I looked at Michael Moret and we both understood what that meant. I knew that you were asking me to speak in broken English with a dialect and have a bolder and more heightened emotion. And I didn’t say anything, because any other time I’d spoken out, during all 5 years at Texas State, about not wanting to be singled out for my race and how that made me feel bad, I was seen as annoying and told “that’s just how the industry works.” And I had so many discussions with my peers where they actually listened to me where I frustratingly exclaimed, “Just because that’s the way the industry has been for years doesn’t mean that’s how it should continue to be. Professors shouldn’t be acting like that’s okay and acceptable and asking ME to be okay with it. We should be trying to break that pattern.”
I remember when you told Michael to do Jim’s monologue from The Office like his “uncle who’s had too much to drink at a party”. And he looked at me and we both knew what THAT meant. The same kind of veiled racist comment that he and I had both suffered for years. That we spoke out against over and over again in vain.
And he and I weren’t the first. People in the class before us were given notes to be more “urban”. And countless other stories passed down. Because that’s all we felt we could do. Bond with other people of color over the negative experiences we faced. Because obviously the people in power didn’t see it as an issue.
But, it is my hope that with the national conversations being had, the generations after Michael and I can experience something better. Because just because things have been the same way for years doesn’t mean they should remain that way. Thank you for the work you’re doing right now on social media, for not staying silent. I hope that this letter helps you become an even better ally, since education and knowledge are the only ways to improve ourselves.
With love,Rosa Armendariz
My reply:
Dear Rosa,
It took me a minute to try and be articulate and thoughtful. It is painful that my actions, words, and deeds have caused pain, trauma, and submitted you and others to stereotypical narratives. In a culture of racism I, like many white people must choose to look and listen. I deeply appreciate the courage it must take to reach out and share your truth, especially when you have suffered and been left vulnerable. It is clear that I was responsible for words and actions that deeply affected you, your classmates, and others. I am so grateful for the care you are showing me in this exchange. I take advocacy seriously and so I thank you for your honesty and hope that perhaps someday you can forgive me for my painful words and actions.
Do you think it might prove helpful and positive to post our exchange on my page edited by you to reflect anything you’d like to remain private? It is very important to me to respect your wishes and the privacy of others mentioned who might not choose to be mentioned. With your permission, I would be happy to share this in an effort to be accountable and continue to grow as an Ally. Perhaps by example, we might help others who have caused harm. It feels right to let this be your choice. I thank you for your kindness in sending me this message and allowing me to examine ways in which my language or actions have caused harm. It is humbling and devastating to really sit with the feelings brought up by this reality. I see that I must accept these realities without surrendering to the impulse to change your narrative to mine. Does that make sense? Meaning, the voice in my head and heart want to prove my alliance with your pain by sharing various ways in which I have felt abused, ignored, or harmed. I see how wrong this impulse is precisely because this isn’t my story, it is yours. Thank you for respecting me enough to share your experiences with me, allow me to process your experience and see my impulse to create a “shared narrative” with you, and how WRONG it would be! Because you allowed me into your narrative, I feel and see my part in the insidious racism in our culture.
This is your story, period. I respect it and I respect you. I treasure the four years in which I was both an instructor and a witness to your life. Your courage, your struggles, your triumphs, and your transformations. This message is yet another example of those qualities in you that I deeply respect. I am grateful that you respected me enough to share with me what I did that caused you pain. You didn’t have to reach out to me with this but because you made that choice, I now have a chance to reflect and learn and hopefully do better. I feel love in your choice. It makes me feel trusted and I thank you. I hope to deserve your trust and vulnerability by continuing to listen, learn, and be a better Ally. I love you. LL
Rosa’s reply to my reply-
Thank you for your response, Laura. Not everyone is willing to sit and listen and admit fault. It’s hard. And I am grateful to you for doing so. It’s part of the movement forward. It’s what allows positive change to happen. Without sitting in the discomfort we’d never be able to understand the gravity of any situation. I am okay with you sharing everything as is, word for word. I stand by what I said, and I think your response was what other people should be working toward. You taught me a lot, about myself, about the world. I thank you for it. Everything happens for a reason, I truly believe that. My hope is that together we can move forward changed for the better and spreading that to other people.